FEMA: “Prepare for Zombie Apocalypse”
FEMA‘s disaster preparedness site, Ready.gov, has released an urgent PSA about an impending threat at the end of October. Experts and terrorism professionals confirm that the group (which has possible Greek and Haitian origins) plans to take advantage of a loophole in the space-time continuum, which will allow previously-deceased citizens to roam the United States searching for cerebral matter.
The official plan of action to ward off the living-impaired horde is to set fire to larger-than-average gourds (squash will do in a pinch), and alter your appearance in an attempt to disorient the post-mortem invaders. Adorning yourself in intimidating clothing and disguising your face with a mask or colorful paint should suffice, but beware: early reports indicate that marauding gangs of minors in similar garb look to take advantage of the chaos in order to extort delicacies from citizens.
For the adolescent swindlers, experts suggest resorting to bribery with any type of prepared sugar concoctions (although tests have shown the chocolate-peanut butter combination to be the most successful). If you are dealing with imposters, they may even preform a trick* in exchange for your compliance.
However, it should be easy to determine whether or not the threat is legitimate, as the oxygen-intolerant beings will have a very distinct and pungent aroma, and will likely be missing large sections of flesh and/or bone material. If you do find yourself facing the undead domestic terrorists, FEMA’s official survival tips include:
- Traveling light
- Having a family plan
- Stocking up on supplies
- Looking for safe areas
*Arborists beware: “tricks” can sometimes involve draping trees with long spools of their own macerated pulp.